"With you, trust comes naturally; you have honor woven into your fabric and that goes a long way when entering new territory in a coach’s office. Something that I learned early on in my sessions with you was that I truly was in the driver’s seat"
Defy the Gravity of Your Emotionally Immature Parent
Struggling With Poor Boundaries? Compulsively People Pleasing? How’s Your Inner Perfectionist Doing?
It’s Time to Defy Gravity, & Release Yourself from the Orbit of Your Emotionally Immature or Personality Disordered Parent
You May Present Yourself Well, And Others May Even See You As Confident And Capable.
But deep down, you're filled with self-doubt. You bite your tongue to avoid revealing how you really feel—because you know how it’ll go: they’ll either ridicule you or make it about themselves. You’re always on alert for signs of distress in others, because you’ve learned that it might turn into an explosion of rage. You’re terrified of conflict, because you’ll just end up being attacked, being wrong.
Even though you intellectually know better, you find yourself pulled back into your parents’ emotional orbit. And even though you want to break free, you notice the patterns:
🌀 You struggle with boundaries (even when you know you need to speak up).
🌀 You people-please (even if it means abandoning your own needs).
🌀 You aim for perfection (even though you know it’s impossible).
You’re stuck in a shame spiral—trapped between the anger you feel toward your parents and the desire to earn their approval. It's exhausting, confusing, and painful.
But maybe the hardest part?
You don’t really know who you are. You don’t even know that it’s okay to ask that question—or that it’s your right to live according to your own needs and values.
You are walking on eggshells.
Having an emotionally immature parent, even one with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, or with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, isn’t always easy to identify. Particularly if you’re the child of one. If you’re unsure, check out this article I wrote.
As you look around, you feel how foreign you are from others who aren’t constantly second-guessing themselves, who are at ease with being less-than-perfect, and comfortable in relationships where they can let themselves be themselves.
This is a love letter to all those not seen, to all those given the impossible task of being the parent to their parents. Of being the unwilling recipient of their parents’ often bizarre expectations. Of not being seen at all, for the wonderfully complex, unique beings you actually are. As an expert on immature parents, I found clients with the same issues coming in to see me. Like me, they were exhausted. Numb. Constantly overwhelmed, trying to control every facet of their existence.
You Are Not Who Your Parents Wanted You To Be. You’re Not Yet What You Can Be.
Professionally, moving beyond perfectionism to risk-taking and exploration, beyond poor boundaries to assertion. Personally, knowing the joy of true intimacy with another, rejoicing in what you share, and energized by your differences.
And finally, to know that you are inherently worthy, to savor another’s worth. It is not enough to know intellectually that you are worthy. You must feel it in your bones. That your greatest gift to the world, the gift that underlies all others, is the next breath you take.
Let’s take it together…start here!.
WHO AM I?
Hello, I'm Inga!
I was born to two Adulting 101 dropouts! I know what it’s like not to be seen. To be invisible. Mom: “Make me feel better about myself”. Dad: “Who’d you say you were again?”. I was becoming a person that didn’t match the ideal child of my educator mother and psychiatrist (yup!) father…and so instead, I became invisible. I ended up both taking responsibility for the reactions of everyone around me, and believing I would inevitably fail.
I arrived at the age of adulthood without the first clue of how to actually, well, “adult.” But along the way, I met my people. And they saw me, as I emerged, visible.
And over the last 25 plus years, I’ve had the profound privilege of fighting alongside my clients. Pulling the damaging lessons of their immature parents out by the root. Going to the intellect, then past the intellect, to the body. The body that shrinks, at the moment you know you’d be better served by standing tall. That surrenders when you need to assert, or shuts others out when you most need to lean into their comfort. I speak to you as one of you, and I see in you the seeds of whom you can become.
When I created my own group for Adult Children of Those with Personality Disorders in 2018, I brought what I understood was needed, according to my clients, and brought in my own somatic exercises…many generations of groups since, I now bring client-approved and -tested course to you!
WHO AM I?
Hello, I'm Inga!
I was born to two Adulting 101 dropouts! I know what it’s like not to be seen. To be invisible. Mom: “Make me feel better about myself”. Dad: “Who’d you say you were again?”. I was becoming a person that didn’t match the ideal child of my educator mother and psychiatrist (yup!) father…and so instead, I became invisible. I ended up both taking responsibility for the reactions of everyone around me, and believing I would inevitably fail.
I arrived at the age of adulthood without the first clue of how to actually, well, “adult.” But along the way, I met my people. And they saw me, as I emerged, visible.
And over the last 25 plus years, I’ve had the profound privilege of fighting alongside my clients. Pulling the damaging lessons of their immature parents out by the root. Going to the intellect, then past the intellect, to the body. The body that shrinks, at the moment you know you’d be better served by standing tall. That surrenders when you need to assert, or shuts others out when you most need to lean into their comfort. I speak to you as one of you, and I see in you the seeds of whom you can become.
When I created my own group for Adult Children of Those with Personality Disorders in 2018, I brought what I understood was needed, according to my clients, and brought in my own somatic exercises…many generations of groups since, I now bring client-approved and -tested course to you!
WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT
Defy Gravity, & Release Yourself from the Orbit of Your Emotionally Immature
My coaching program is your path to finally breaking free from the emotional orbit of an emotionally immature or personality-disordered parent—and reclaiming your voice, boundaries, and sense of self.
For those of you who want a full experience, the complete course includes:
An initial 50 minute intensive coaching session to hear your story and understand the impact of your emotionally immature or personality disordered parent
3 additional 30 minute coaching sessions, either online or in person, while you take the online course
Full access to my online course, including brief videos, articles to listen or read, comments section for further feedback, and exercises to practice
Text support via Signal between sessions
Yours for just $1195
Payment plans are available. (3 installments of $450)
For those who want the stand-alone online course, which can be done in conjunction with your therapist for additional support if needed:
Full access to my online course, including videos, articles to listen or read, comments section for further feedback, and exercises to practice.
Text support via Signal for six weeks
Yours for just $495
My hope is that, with sufficient interest, we might add a zoom group every other week. It is nothing less than magical to hear the stories of others mirroring your own, and to experience the deep understanding and support from others who truly get you!
Real Stories. Real Change.
Each person you’ll hear from once felt stuck, shut down, or overwhelmed. These are their stories of reconnection, regulation, and renewal.
BLOGS
Explore the Deeper Dive
Unlock insightful articles and strategies for personal growth, healing, and living your fullest life.
Stress 101: Aromatherapy
A keen sense of smell!
The smell of baked bread. The scent of fresh oranges. The aroma of roses. We might be passing a bakery, slicing citrus in the kitchen, or strolling in a garden. When we take a moment to breath deeply, we can feel the pleasure, even a sense of ease, in our bodies. You may even take a moment, right now, to notice a remembered delightful scent, and and notice the sensations of comfort that arise.
One of the most effective, and well-researched, ways to shift our moods is by aromatherapy (check here, and also here). A lavender wash puts baby right to sleep, lemon piped into the workplace increases mental alertness. The right scent can give us ease, or make us sharper. It can ground us, or elevate us.
We know that certain aromatic oils can open our hearts (ylang ylang), soothe our nervous systems (frankincense), ease a troubled stomach (peppermint), or even enhance our oxygen levels (cedar).
Be warned, however.
Our olfactory system is closely tied to that part of the brain that processes memory as well as mood. And each of us is unique. Lavender doesn’t always comfort. If you hated your last job picking apples, you might feel disgusted as you walk by Macintoshes in the grocery store.
Certain oils are allergens. Others should be avoided by women who are pregnant. And many oils are not to be taken internally. Because it works both with the limbic system (mood and memory) and the temporal lobes in the neocortex (our higher level processing system), aromatherapy is powerful and should be used with caution.
When a client first works with me,
I want to give them resources to off-set some of the more challenging moments we’ll be facing as we address trauma. I introduce them to one of my favorite interventions, the “nose-bath.” We use the aromatic oil that is works best for them (read on to find out how). Rubbing the drops between their palms, or placing drops of oil on a tissue, they inhale and get grounded, centering themselves for the session.
How do we determine the best aroma for them?
I have quite a selection: citruses, of course, and lavenders, but also woodsy oils such as sandalwood and cedar, grounding blends, florals, and resins. A pulse-oximeter is used, a simple gadget clamped on the right forefinger which tells us their pulse and oxygen levels. What we’re looking for is an aroma that reduces their pulse, and also which they find pleasing.
One of the impacts of stress is that my clients often, initially, have a hard time tuning into their bodies. They’re trained to believe lavender should soothe, and they’ve been using lavender. When we put the pulse oximeter on, however, there’s not much improvement in lowering their heart rate (pulse), and perhaps even an increase.
Here’s a video I created a while back that details this:
I’m not dismissing aromas that you might like. Keep enjoying them! Also know, though, that you may be unintentionally overriding what your body is telling you it needs.
How Can I Test My Best Aromas?
Here’s a lower-tech way of determining your pulse. First, take a reading by setting your timer for thirty seconds. Then place your fingers on the arteries in your neck, and count the beats. That’s your pulse. Then take a scent, place it near your nose. Do not change how you’re breathing! We know that deep breaths can often bring about a relaxation response. Just breath normally. Take a few breaths for that same thirty seconds, and notice if there are few beats. If there are, you’ve got a winner!
Aromatherapy doesn’t need to be expensive, and oils can now be found in all health food stores. So go in, sample a few, and find one or two that work for you. When you’re stressed or tired, aromatherapy is right at your fingertips. Peace.
Frequently Asked Questions
Quick answers to help you feel informed and confident in your next step.
What are some things about your practice I need to know in determining whether you’re a good fit for me?
After being in clinical practice for over two decades, I’ve brought my focus to two main areas. I address the needs of adult children of emotionally immature and personality-disordered parents, Defy Gravity, as well as those experiencing overwhelming stress and the revitalization of numbed lives, Overcome Overwhelm.
For each of these areas, Defy Gravity and Overcome Overwhelm, I provide both in person and zoom coaching. The full program for each of these includes both individual sessions with me and an online course which you can access at any time, with no time restrictions.
I also make the online course available on its own, for those who want additional hacks to the existing health regimen they feel confident about.
To understand my approach, it’s also a good idea to read some of my “Deeper Dive” articles.
To be absolutely clear, I do NOT accept clients as a psychotherapist. Some among you may be experiencing clinical-level depression or PTSD, as opposed to the blues or an accumulation of stress. The hybrid model of using my coaching offerings in conjunction to working with a licensed psychotherapist towards a common goal–your ultimate vitality and purposefulness–is highly effective in my experience.
I like your website, and think you might be a good choice for me: what’s my first step?
You can immediately sign up for one of my coaching courses. However, if you want a more tailored experience, or have more questions before you take the plunge, scroll down to the contact form below, and send your question. After I respond via private email, we may also hop on a discovery call. You’ll have an opportunity to ask me what you need to know in order to make a well-informed decision, to get a sense of who I am and what I might offer you, and see how comfortable you are in my real or virtual office.
I’m actually in a fairly good place, I just want to become even healthier, more whole. How do you work with this?
Welcome to coaching! Life coaching is designed for those who want to further enhance their lives. I myself have benefited greatly from other life coaches as I’ve made significant transitions in my life, and have found that, along with clarifying the presenting issue and goal through practical problem solving, parts work (similar to IFS) and narrative therapy, can be extremely helpful.
As I am also a Licensed Massage Therapist, I may also include bodywork for my in person clients at their discretion. Bodywork includes Somatic Experiencing and CranioSacral Therapy to help regulate the body, allowing people to slow down and think more clearly. It also unearths hidden negative beliefs and stressful experiences, where they live, in the body.
My clients may do intensive work for a while, then not see me again for a month or a year, until they want to include my work to once again enhance their health and wellbeing. I absolutely welcome this as-desired (PRN) relationship, and look forward to exploring with you a unique plan that suits your needs.
What are some pointers to keep in mind, so that I can get the most for my investment?
Show up, on time, ready for the work. If we’re meeting via Zoom, please set yourself up for success! A quiet room, where you will not be disturbed, as well as a solid wifi connection, is best.
I’ll give you something to think about, some activity or exercise to perform, after every session, so that you can bring our work into the life you want to improve. Do it.
If my approach isn’t working for you, let me know. Through my twenty five+ years in practice, I’ve become skilled in multiple areas, so I can certainly adjust my approach to better serve your needs.
Particularly if you struggle to get in, stay in, your body, you’ll find that we work better if we initially build some momentum. It is important that you make time to come on at least a bi-weekly basis. After this, we’ll explore a schedule that works for you. We’ll also check in to see if my approach is right for you.
Recognize that the work we’ll be doing, regardless of which coaching option you’re interested in, is somatic (embodied). It digs deep, and actually impacts your body physically. If you don’t believe that you’re open to somatic work, or that it might be too much for you, be honest. I may not be the right person for you. You decide whether it’s worth a try.
I’m already working with a therapist and am looking for complementary services. Would you be open to working with me and my therapist?
My coaching packages’ fees are listed, with an option to pay over time. Additional coaching, depending on the time you need, is available at $225 per 60 minute hour, $150 per 30 minute half hour. Extended sessions are also available. Extended sessions are also available in 2-hour blocks, including coaching outside the office, and are available at $375
Do you accept insurance or sliding scale?
No, but I am willing to create a payment plan for well-motivated clients whom I believe the courses can help.
Be well, and I look forward to meeting with you!
Feel free to contact me.
It’s Time to Step Out of the Shadows—and Into the Life That’s Truly Yours
You are not broken. You were shaped by people who couldn’t meet your emotional needs—and it’s time to release their grip on your life. This course is your invitation to finally be seen, to reclaim your boundaries, and to live from a place of self-worth—not shame.
Here’s a free gift to get started:
My grounding exercise, to help you get centered in your busy day. I’ll occasionally also send special offers and insights (I promise, I won’t deluge your in-box!)