If You’re Wondering if You Belong Here…
Some of you are all too clear. Your parent, parents, abused you, neglected you, drew you into their madness in a way that had you questioning your reality…and you know that its left an impact. You’re ready to heal.
However…
Others may be saying, “it really wasn’t that bad.” You recall many times when your parent or parents DID show up for you, did give you what you needed. You may even feel disloyal to them in even considering considering this possibility.
Let’s Correct the Lessons You Learned
What if, instead of thinking this is about slamming your parent/s, you view this as an opportunity to address the malware in your system! Even the best of parents may have given their children a “lesson” or two that later turned out to be misinformation. A loving mother unwittingly communicates poor self esteem as she sacrifices perhaps a little too much for her family, and cares not enough for her own needs. A loving father may be too consumed by a need to provide that he fails to carve out enough time to share his wisdom with his children.
In both these cases, and in many others, the work of the maturing child might be as simple as applying a simple anti-virus to the program.
My suspicion though is that you may be in between. Neither in the land of the mature and flawed human who was, is, your parent; nor in the land of the profoundly abused. So, in answer to your question, here are six simple elements that make up a healthy-enough parent. I would encourage you to give a rough estimate, from 1-5, for each parent, with 5 being “knocked it out of the park.”
Attunement:
This parent shows attention to the child, and with a fair degree of accuracy, identifies and acknowledges the child’s experience. The child experiences being seen, and has the experience that the parent’s observations are either true, or that the parent is open to correction if it doesn’t feel true. The non-attuned or sporadically attuned parent, including those who are overwhelmed by conditions beyond their control, leave the child floundering in a sea of overwhelming and confusing feelings and thoughts. The misattuned, gaslighting parent, projects instead their own feelings and beliefs onto the child, leaving the child questioning their own reality, and misinterpreting their own inner signals.
Example: Dixon, a five year old, comes running into the kitchen, where dad is making lunch. Dixon is clearly upset, too upset to tell his dad what’s going on. Dad turns to Dixon, squats down, embraces him until Dixon is soothed, and then asks him questions, and helps him solve the problem. He helps Dixon identify…give words to…what he’s feeling. Then he helps his child figure out what to do with those emotions and if needed, make a plan for what to do with the situation that created the distress.
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Able to Admit Mistakes:
No parent is perfect, and healthy-enough parents don’t try to be. So, given that they’re always trying to get better, they’re willing to check in with themselves. To experience and benefit from insight. “Why did I just say that?” “I can’t believe I just yelled at you!” They are willing to admit they’re wrong, and have a discussion, because it doesn’t mean they’re a bad parent, but instead a parent that did badly. Lack of insight is the most important quality that marks a personality disorder: no Borderline or Narcissist is psychologically capable of seeing themselves realistically and, if needed, changing course.
Example: Sylvia, a mom to 8 year old twins, is not, I repeat, not having a very good day. So when she comes home from her job, and the boss that goes with it, to her twins messing up the kitchen but good as they attempt brownies from scratch…and a dad who’s disappeared into the garage…she loses it! Until she sees the shocked look on their faces, and a switch goes off. Sylvia takes a deep breath, brings her hand to her forehead to soothe herself, and says, “I’m so sorry. I had a rough day at work, and I’m taking it out on you. That’s wrong.”
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Parent as Consultant:
Foster Cline wrote a book, Love and Logic, years ago, in which he basically recommended a parenting style based on empowering children to make their own choices with parents as consultants, helping the child to make healthy decisions based on likely consequences. The other two types are: 1) Helicopter, in which the parent does for the child, and shames other adults and children for not accommodating the child’s irresponsible actions (for George RR Martin fans, think Cerisei and Jeoffrey) and 2) Drill Sergeant, in which the parent orders the child to act in a certain way, allowing for no discussion whatsoever, and reducing the child’s ability to, and confidence in, navigating choice as they move into the world.
Example: Jane, 14, comes home smelling of alcohol. Mom, instead of losing it, calls Jane over with “we need to talk.” Jane, having been raised with a consultant mother, knows that she’s not headed for a harangue, but a discussion, and is more likely to agree. They sit, and mom identifies the smell, “honey, you’ve been drinking, or at least spending time with those that do.” Then both engage in an exploration of what-if’s, if needed waiting until Jane sobers up, including possible impact to the brain and also impact to the social network Jane is keen, as most teens are, to belong to. Mom listens, advises, is honest about her own fears…but she doesn’t lecture. She doesn’t threaten. And Jane, in making an informed decision about if, when and under what conditions she does smoke, continues to keep mom in the loop instead of hiding. And that maybe that means that, when she’s offered a ride home by a friend who’s clearly inebriated, she decides on her own to turn that ride down.
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Parent at all Stages of Development:
Depending on which mental health icon you’re into, there are multiple ideas for explaining what the child naturally is inclined to learn at different ages. It may surprise you to know that, not too long ago, children were seen as little adults in many cultures, and treated as such, often with responsibilities that were not appropriate for them. For example, the adage, “children should be seen and not heard” is at odd with what most people would now agree, that children should not only be heard, but listened to (see above). Key here is that healthy-enough parents know what is not yet appropriate, and what ship has sailed.
And regardless, the child is always treated with respect.
I’ve attached a PDF from the Hazelden Institute, created quite a while ago to explain the different stages and how parents need to respond at each stage. As some of you know, Hazelden is a premier drug rehabilitation program that long ago reframed addiction, not as a reflection of weakness or poor character, but instead as, more often than not, a result of developmental trauma.
Example: Ralph, a father to a 12 year old daughter, remembers the times he used to tickle her when she was 7 or 8. Then, she would laugh, and they would always end with a big poppa hug. But now, she’s beginning to change…in all kinds of ways. And one of them is that the tickle game is no longer fun, or meeting her need to push away, and start connecting with her peers. So despite the absolute fact that he adores his daughter, he respects her boundaries. And occasionally, she still lets him give her a hug. He also looks forward to the day when, as a more mature teen, she’ll start struggling more with deeper issues…but knows she’s not yet ready for those adult conversations.
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Well-Regulated:
We are all both human and animal, and at the start, most definitely the later. No ability to self-soothe before 18 months, tantrums all during the terrible twos, and also great excitement…with little to no inner regulation to keep us safe and emotionally “appropriate,” so we need our parents, and other adult caregivers, to be the regulation for us. The calm in our storm, the safety net keeping us from running into the street, the delineator between discipline and punishment.
Example: Fred, an excitable ten year old, is trying desperately to get on his father’s last nerve. It’s late at night, Fred’s running around the house instead of going to bed, and refusing to brush his teeth. But Dad isn’t yelling. Dad isn’t losing his cool, nor is he getting chilly. He’s firm, centered, and confident…catching his son on the fly, he sits him down next to him, looks him in the eye, and says, “I know you don’t want to go to bed, but life is sometimes about doing things we don’t want to do, but need to.” Fred can physically sense the steady strength in his dad which, like a contagion, infiltrates his nervous system, and reluctantly, goes for the toothbrush.
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Good Social Skills:
Children learn more by observation, by “what is seen,” much more than by “what is said,” and that goes for how healthy-enough adults interact with other adults. Children model what they see. So they’re more likely to know how to have a productive disagreement when they observe their parents working things out in a respectful way with each other. And when they’re with parents out in the world, and the parent engages with a friend or acquaintance in an enjoyable and supportive way, it’s the children that learn early on the algorithm of making and keeping friends. Seeing good social skills played out daily, they internalize not only the skills that will benefit them both personally and professionally, but the understanding that people can be a pleasure, and an opportunity to learn and grow.
Example: Little Inga (yup, me), at 10 years old, is standing in line at the World’s Fair. It’s a long line, and would be miserable on this hot day, except that she’s observing her mother starting a pleasant conversation with the people in front of her. After observing for a few minutes, Inga turns around and uses the same basic pattern to converse with the people in line behind her. The line goes pretty quickly, considering!
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Well, How’d You Do?
If you got mostly 4’s and 5’s, I’m really happy for you…but I suspect if that were the case, you wouldn’t have started this online course to begin with! Maybe you did, but in one or two of these qualities, your parents didn’t do very well. I would say an average of 18 or below puts you in very good company…welcome!
You belong here.
Let’s get started.