Stress 101: Boundaries, Part 1

Boundaries. I love how the therapeutic community throws words like “boundaries” around, without a clear explanation. Before you read on, in fact, go ahead and test this (and for those of you who’ve had therapy, or at least read a multitude of self-help books, this should be especially fun). How would you describe boundaries? Are… Continue Reading Stress 101: Boundaries, Part 1

Stress 101: Resourcing…Finding the Lip of the Pool Before You Dive Deep

It was an awful day. I was young, barely employed as a door-to-door salesperson for cable (and really, who can’t sell cable! me!!!), and had just gotten my umpteenth rejection. The world reeked of malaise and despair… then I looked up, at the most wonderful evening sky. The skies in New Mexico are special, of… Continue Reading Stress 101: Resourcing…Finding the Lip of the Pool Before You Dive Deep

Stress 101: Redeeming Stress

So the complaint of too much stress is a familiar one. You’ve read several times in my writings that a common definition of trauma is overwhelming stress. Before you nod your head in recognition, though, let’s stop for a few minutes and challenge that notion. What constitutes “too much stress?” This is what I’ve learned: the experience of stress is greatest when our stamina is low.

Sitting on a couch does not help. Trying to run the marathon at the start does not help. Workouts that build in intensity and build our stamina do, emotionally as well as physically. Continue Reading Stress 101: Redeeming Stress

Stress 101 Essentials: Grounding

You can’t think grounding, you’ve got to feel it. Imagine that your body is a live wire, downed by some horrible Nor’easter. Sparks flying all over the place! Trauma has that effect, so much overwhelming and unpleasant energy coursing sharply and erratically through our bodies that we can practically smell the sizzle, or on the other hand, past the sizzle and well into burn-out. Grounding works like the third prong on a plug, or the post at the end of the wire…it absorbs some of the excess energy that would otherwise lead to shorting out. Continue Reading Stress 101 Essentials: Grounding

The Illusion of Safety, and How to Get Past It

There is an old story: a heartless general, at the head of a ruthless army, devastates village after village. He arrives at a temple and, to his surprise, finds the gate unlocked. In the middle of the courtyard within kneels a monk. The general dismounts, unsheathes his sword, and approaches the monk. The monk fails to prostrate himself before the general, which offends him. “Do you not know who I am? I am not afraid to kill you,” to which the monk replies, “Do you not know who I am? I am not afraid to die.”….Matilda and I worked together for quite a while, and she taught me more about courage than any colleague, friend or family member ever did. And one of the most important lessons we learned together was to embrace the truth of her mortality, while understanding that now, she was alive. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross hoped that, as people normalized the grief process around death, that they would paradoxically become freer to embrace the vitality that was yet in them. The monk doesn’t want to die, but he has embraced the eventuality of it, and it no longer frightens him. He cannot be threatened…and when we talk of safety, isn’t that what we’re really talking about? Continue Reading The Illusion of Safety, and How to Get Past It

Stress 101: What You Need to Know On Your Journey

When clients come to me for trauma work, sooner or later they find themselves mourning the loss of safety. Before whatever horrible event happened that brought them in to see me, they had it. A sense of what it is to be safe, or at least safe-enough, that allowed them to get through the day without feeling the need for eyes in the backs of their heads, or that constant spidey-sense that clinicians call “hypervigilence.” It happens in a shocking instant; before that moment, they did not question that they would be able to get through life without major wounds, other than the usual rules of discretion and environmental awareness: don’t walk at night alone, don’t trust the guy who can’t look you in the eyes,etc . And why not? Most people, after all, do seem to get through. After that instance, the terrible “aha,” we understand now that safety is an illusion, that despite due diligence, shit does happen. Usually it’s a mundane moment, perhaps the one where they come out of shock, look around, and realize they are now seeing life with different eyes. In that moment, so much dies. Their faith, their hope, their confidence in themselves that goes along with the lingering and self-serving delusion, “surely I could have done things differently, then this would not have happened.” Self-serving, because none of us is that powerful. Continue Reading Stress 101: What You Need to Know On Your Journey

(Not) Having a Sense of Humor is Dangerous: Am I Charlie?

What the massacre this Wednesday leaves us with is questions, including as one correspondent on NPR put it, just how small is God, that she/he/it/they can’t take a little ribbing? That’s not just a Muslim thing, not even a religious thing…a Muslim comic conveyed a story of censorship here in the States, when the network told him to remove the mention of several corporations from his monologue because it might cost them a sponsor. There is not a Sacred Cow anywhere in the world that could not stand the paradoxical benefit of a humorous challenge. Continue Reading (Not) Having a Sense of Humor is Dangerous: Am I Charlie?

Religion and Healing: Final Thoughts

This series has been an important step on my journey, but I have no conclusions as yet. Religions have been the cause of much pain, but within them are beautiful rituals of healing, the comfort of tribal belonging, and the daily practice of faith.One of the practices that speaks to me shows up in almost every religion, the cleansing power of water. Pagan circles celebrate is as the western quarter, carrying the gift of emotion and of change. Monotheistic religions, including Judaism and Christianity, place high importance on baptism and cleansing ritual baths. It is not surprising that so many of my clients with highly distressed nervous systems find a rare calm in their tubs. Continue Reading Religion and Healing: Final Thoughts

The Case For…How Christianity Serves Healing

I have been thinking a lot about healing throughout my life. It’s not like I’ve had some miraculous kind of healing at any one time, although there have been several times that I’ve been in quite a bit of pain, and I have asked Kevin (husband) to pray for me at which time he will put his hand on me and pray silently. I don’t even know what he prays, but the pain has several times immediately disappeared. I have prayed for healing from the Crohn’s disease, and depending on one’s definition of healing, it is not gone, but I live a healthy life and I am fully functional.
Healing has come to mean for me being able to live well in spite of pain or sorrow or disappointment. Additionally I think healing can be physical or emotional. I certainly believe that if God wanted to completely heal me or Katy (daughter) from her diabetes he could, but I have learned that it’s through our difficulties that we are made stronger and healthier. Healing us completely might not be what is best for us.
One other short story comes to mind and takes place when I was eight years old. A brain scan revealed that I could have a seizure at any time. The docs told my mom no bike riding no bathing alone etc. Mom asked for some trusted friends to pray over me that I might be able to live a normal childhood. Nothing ever occurred after that prayer time.
I have grown up believing the Bible to be the Word of God, my creator, but on my journey my belief in the Word and its power in my life have been made real, not just a belief. I have found that the Word describes me perfectly. I have also found that when I depend on the promises given in the Word, they are reliable. The most important part of the Word for me is using it as a guide for living, and it has not failed me. I am able to find joy, comfort and peace in all circumstances. I have been tested several times in this life with tough circumstances and oddly in those times I have experienced the greatest peace and reassurance through the Word. When life gets hard, I do three things every day. I pray for help, read the Word and exercise. It works.
Continue Reading The Case For…How Christianity Serves Healing